Tuesday, April 10, 2012

notes on living alone

1. Talking to yourself and talking to your dogs are two completely different things. I will defend this belief to the death. Mind, I'm not ashamed of talking to myself, but that is something I do at work, when tussling with data.

2. You never need to ask the question, "Are you hungry?" to justify your own hunger. Randomly munchy at eight p.m.? To the cheese drawer!


4. The bathroom door is never closed. If I use the bathroom when people are over, the dogs visibly freak out at the closed door, which makes it plain to my guests that my levels of barbarity have reached "Viking". This is also the only time I see how dirty it is in the corner behind the door, and realize that my guest saw exactly the same thing when s/he used the bathroom earlier.

5. Pajamas at seven p.m. I used to do this anyway, since I work out in the evenings, and then shower, and then it's totally pointless to put on clean clothes if you're just going to change into pajamas a couple hours later, but I would have to defend it. He often didn't get home until eight or later, and to see me already all frump-tacular could set off a nasty argument. Dude, it's Wednesday, I'm not going to be heading out again at nine o'clock. And it's real velour! Let yourself go!


7. Apparently my "spinster" aura is so strong now that, at any event I attend, chatty elderly ladies queue up to be my friend, no matter how deep into a book I put my face. Actually, random people have always talked to me in public; I seem to have the kind of shyness which displays as "I would love to listen to you!" But since he moved out there is clearly some kind of specific widow pheromone I am exuding. Or maybe it's just the dog hair.

8. Listening to Ani diFranco last night (I know; I could just end the sentence right there), when she said, "'I've heard all my own jokes / And they're just not funny any more," I said to the dogs, "Wow, my own jokes are getting funnier all the time." It's possible this is tragic. I don't care.

9. Always realizing just before guests arrive: oh my god, my bras are EVERYWHERE. Bra-hiding is what I am doing when I should be cleaning bathroom corners.

10. Oscar acceptance speeches: not just for the shower any more!

Sometimes I feel that I went from zero to Crazy Dog Lady in about two weeks. But I do work all day, in a very busy office, surrounded by and interacting with people. Also, let's face it, I was never starting at zero. I was always a goofy dork, and I've just stopped trying to hide it. I can't imagine living with someone again, but it's good to know that for me to even consider it, he'll have to be someone who's fine with me wandering around the house in velour yoga pants saying absurd things to the dogs and cracking myself up. That's not a bad standard to set.


  1. Long live all goofy dorks! I don't even remember to hide my bras...they're in the messy bathroom drying on the shower rod of course. Sometimes guests pee there. Then I feel embarrassed.

    Plus, is it possible you're growing more and more amazingly awesome day by day? I certainly think so. And I'm sure that's why the chatty elderly gals flock to you. Personally, I am a crazy homeless man magnet. They approach me CONSTANTLY and spill their nonsensical salad speech in my direction while I smile and nod and tell them I have to go somewhere.

    Also, I am on spring break from teaching and I *may* have spent several consecutive days in my pajamas reading. I guess what I'm getting at is that your lifestyle sounds pretty normal/ideal to me, especially the cheese. Mmm.

    1. There is part of me that thinks this is what I fantasized about adulthood being like when I was fourteen. A bathroom ALL TO MYSELF!